Why Are All The Good Ones Christian?

As an eligible bachelor in Los Angeles, dating is never an option. In fact, L.A. has made dating the most soul draining act of masochism this side of taking oral composition in middle school. All this goes a long way to making the single mixer an attractive alternative (not speed dating which takes all the fun of dating and adds a raging dose of performance anxiety).

So it happened that the lads and I went to our first single mixer. It began well. First off, everyone there was single. Second, they were interested. Finally, there were some real cuties on hand. I started with a little small talk. "How did you find out about this sort of thing?" The response was constant. "Oh, I heard about it at church." (some variations involved "bible class" and, in one case, "bible college")

I was in a room full of single Christians. The next sound I heard was God snickering.

Yes, I believe in God. More precisely, I believe in a power greater than our own (whether it ends up being Jesus, Yahweh, Allah, the Deep Ones, or something born of quantum physics). I don't, however, place much faith in the man made institutions based on someones favorite supreme being.

Of all the faiths, Christianity (and all its spin offs) has been woefully behind the times . They don't see the need for choice. They think that stem cell research is an abomination in spite of it's potential to save lives (apparently lives are no longer worth saving once you can draft them). Religion in general is also responsible for the most blood shed in history. Whether it was the Crusades, the Holocaust, the Great Satan or this recent Iraqi quagmire, you know the name of someone's deity was praised before the bodies fell. Religion is also based on the most basic of fallacies. If your faith is absolutely right, that means everyone else is absolutely wrong. My old priest had a name for this kind of thinking. He called it arrogance.

So, why the sudden surge in Christianity over the last few years? The trend may not be so surprising for some. In their book THE FOURTH TURNING, authors William Strauss and Neil Howe describe a cyclical model for history that spins like this:

"The FIRST TURNING is a HIGH, an upbeat era of strengthening institutions and weakening individualism, when a new civic order implants and old values decay.
(ex.: the American family & economy boom after World War II - there was a lot of traditional values and church going in the 50s)

The SECOND TURNING is an AWAKENING , a passionate era of spiritual upheaval, when the (aging) civic order comes under attack from new values.
(ex.: the 60s)

The THIRD TURNING is an UNRAVELING, an era of strengthening individualism and weakening institutions, the (now) old civic order decays and the new values regime implants.
(ex.: The Me Decade of the late 70s, all of the 80s, and most of the 90s )

The FOURTH TURNING is a CRISIS, a decisive era of secular upheaval, when the values regime propels the replacement of the old civic order with a new one."
(ex: this is usually a great war or even a cold one like the fall out after 9/11)


Now, if you use THE FOURTH TURNING model, we've just come round to a new First Turning and, right on schedule, people are strengthening moral values again. After the combined Crisis of 9/11, corrupt leaders, an unjustified war, reality TV and diminishing health and education, God's house may be looking pretty comfy to some.

A lot of these Christian types were already with us. They were either raised that way (usually in the South) or were latent children of God empowered by a President who claims he speaks to God every day (that sound you heard was God saying, "Me help me.")

The Christians I'm talking about, however, are ones begat from a different source. A lot of the thirty-somethings in America (including myself) are children of divorce. Now that we're ready to get married ourselves, some of us are looking for a kind of warrantee. Since Christianity doesn't believe in divorce (just the kind you file within the first trimester called an "annulment"), a marriage in the Church always has the club rules to keep it in line. If love can't keep us together, maybe God has a shot.

You don't believe me? Ask yourself this. Why are so many of these recent converts interested in family counseling? A great deal of their services tend to focus on support groups of this type. They even stage single mixers.


The rush to remake the Church in their image has blinded the neo-Christians to a few errors. Many describe their services as "non-denominational". I'm sorry, but when "Christ" is in the title or a cross is anywhere in the room it's pretty much denominational.

Some new churches want to differentiate themselves so much from the mistakes of the old, they pick fancy titles. One local sect calls themselves Morning Star. I don't want to be the ones to break it to them, but Morning Star was the nickname for ol' Hob (the Devil) before the Fall. I know "Morning Star" has many connotations, but when you're in the business of Heaven and Hell, do you really want the name of the opposition above the door?

Look, I wish these people all the luck in the world. In strange times like these, it's always good to have friends (as long as no one is going to hell for following their own beliefs). I just hope the new kids still listen to rock music, particularly The Who. Something about "... meet the new boss, same as the old boss..."

And with regards to that wonderful play on words that has Clarence Darrow dry heaving in his grave... intelligent design... well, some people are just plain silly.